Broken and Beautiful

“In the darkness, even your shadow leaves you.”  I saw this today, and it struck a nerve within me. A deep ache in my heart came pushing back up to the surface with the reminder that depression is a battle that exist deep within my soul– one that at times controls me.  A counselor once told me that depression is when the past superimposes on your present, and anxiety is when your future superimposes on your present, both leaving you unable to just be in the present.

Let me start by saying, I am a Bible believing, holy ghost believing, miracles still happen today kind of Christian, BUT I AM struggling to hold my head above water most days. I’m not sure if it’s just a long extended season, or if God is just trying to teach me something, or if I have allowed Satan a part of my mind that I don’t know how to get back. To be honest, it’s probably a combination of all three.  People frustrate me with their “words of encouragement.” I’m so sick of hearing those cliche phrases that are meant to uplift me, but actually leave me feeling more discouraged. The truth is, unless you’ve ever battled the spirit of depression, you do not understand what someone is feeling or how to help them out of it. The reality is, we don’t know how to feel better. I have prayed. I go to counseling. I stay in my Word. I involve myself in serving others. I attend a women’s Bible Study. I try to eat right and be healthy. I try to ignore the urge of isolation and surround myself with people that love me. I denounce the lies of Satan whenever I feel them seize my mind, and yet… Here I am. Still depressed.  Fears that keep me insecure during the day, keep me up at night. I even know the primary source of my depression- Rejection.

People who struggle with rejection are their own worst critic. We see every flaw within ourselves, and when someone chooses to not be a part of our lives, for whatever reason, somehow, it’s something wrong with us. Thus the battle of comparison and the downward cycle of placing other people’s opinions over what the creator says about us to be true begins.  I never feel good enough, or worthy enough, or like I’m valuable. I’m at a point now where I almost expect failure in relationships before they even begin. You see, when you are where I am emotionally and mentally, people wanting to be in relationship with me becomes difficult, because they are unable convince me that I’m anything more than what I think of myself. And the worst part about it is that I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to change my opinion of me. I don’t know how to break the cycle. I’ve done all that I know to do. So I wait. I choose to get up. I choose to go to work. I choose to keep doing all that I know to do. I’m waiting. I’m desperately waiting on God to move in me and change my heart, because I know that only He can.  I don’t need more self help books, or another half thought out cliche to try and pick myself up out of this. I need a divine encounter with the one who created me, one to remind me of who I am in Him. I need the holy spirit to speak so deep within my soul as to rewire the fabric of what I’ve become. I need people in my life, who see my heart, who know my gifts, who understand my intentions, and who will fervently pray for me. Pray for my broken heart, because this is the most broken it has ever felt. Pray for my contrite spirit. Pray for my wounded perception of God’s view of me. Pray for me to find joy in the little things. Pray that God’s truth will speak louder than the lies of satan. Pray for a miracle. Don’t tell me I need to get better or I deserve better. Pray for me and ask God to move. Ask Him to do whatever it takes to break this curse in my life so that I can be made whole again.  Pray objectively for me, when I can’t.

For anyone who is here with me, no matter where you are, please hear me when I say, You are not alone. Even when you feel like you are. You aren’t. There has to be a reason for you to keep going. Don’t quit.  You do matter. Hold on. One moment. One day. One week at a time. Please hold on. We are all walking through something. Coming from one crushed heart to another. We have to keep going. I choose to believe, as I hope you do, that there is a light in this dark season. His name is Jesus and unlike our shadow, He is still with us in the silent, scary, misunderstand darkness. And I AM NOT ALONE! My heart is shattered, but I am not alone. I feel rejected, but I am not alone. I don’t know how or when this is going to get better, but I am not alone. I am so frustrated, but I am not alone. I am tired and worn out, but I am not alone. I’m afraid, but I’m not alone. NEITHER ARE YOU!

Father,

I pray that you heal the brokenness in my heart. You know my weakness. You know my fears. You know my desires. You know the state of my mind. I pray that you hold me. I pray that you hold close any person that can relate to the battle expressed above. I pray that you speak truth in the midst of the lies of satan. Be close to anyone who is losing this battle. Remind us that you are God. You are in control. Not us. Remind us that you are good, that you are faithful. Help us find joy  in the daily things. Help us be forever thankful. Help me trust you in the midst of the deepest parts of my heart and mind. I pray for victory. I pray for a miracle, for anyone who has prayed this prayer.

Amen!